Joke Thread & Funny Pics-N-Stuff
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by locky1 » Wed Jan 18, 2012 8:44 am
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
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locky1
Ned Flanders
Joined: Sun Aug 19, 2001 1:35 am Posts: 2080 Karma: 8.51 (177 thanks)
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Wed Jan 18, 2012 8:44 am |
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by atefooterz » Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:22 am
XXXX Rated Pic !! Happy Australia Day Koala bear down under http://www.mobypicture.com/user/vickyve ... w/11646986
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atefooterz
Santa's Little Helper
Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2003 2:34 pm Posts: 14025 Karma: 190.49 (26716 thanks) Location: #nowhereman
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Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:22 am |
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by locky1 » Fri Feb 10, 2012 9:26 am
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locky1
Ned Flanders
Joined: Sun Aug 19, 2001 1:35 am Posts: 2080 Karma: 8.51 (177 thanks)
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Fri Feb 10, 2012 9:26 am |
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by SKaVeN » Fri Feb 10, 2012 2:40 pm
I'd give an A+ Distinction for that! The kid's a genius.
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SKaVeN
Ned Flanders
Joined: Fri Aug 26, 2005 12:51 am Posts: 2065 Karma: 3.15 (65 thanks) Location: Adelaide
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Fri Feb 10, 2012 2:40 pm |
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by kirkbright » Sun Feb 12, 2012 1:16 pm
Mathematics:
This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint.it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far arse kissing will take you.
A-R-S-E-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+18+19+5+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 120%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its theBullshit and Arse Kissing that will put you over the top. Now you know why some people are where they are!
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kirkbright
Carl Carlson
Joined: Sat Jun 14, 2008 6:57 am Posts: 651 Karma: 23.20 (151 thanks)
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Sun Feb 12, 2012 1:16 pm |
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by HumphreyBBear » Sun Feb 12, 2012 2:40 pm
Thanks for that Kirkbright. I think I know now where I've been going wrong.
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HumphreyBBear
Otto Man
Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2005 7:45 pm Posts: 763 Karma: 82.02 (625 thanks)
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Sun Feb 12, 2012 2:40 pm |
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by Macc » Sat Feb 25, 2012 5:31 pm
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Macc
Milhouse Van Houten
Joined: Mon Nov 29, 2004 5:28 pm Posts: 1626 Karma: 43.23 (703 thanks) Location: A small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse
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Sat Feb 25, 2012 5:31 pm |
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by Blastoise » Sat Feb 25, 2012 11:08 pm
some of these i had to post today, in case we have a new PM on Monday edit: now with pics
M 662x768 219
M 1536x1074 231
M 1024x380 236
M 1024x688 208
M 1024x760 195
M 1024x690 232
M 750x1536 242
S 620x350 224
Last edited by Blastoise on Tue Mar 06, 2012 8:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Blastoise
Todd Flanders
Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2001 4:59 am Posts: 346 Karma: 133.24 (461 thanks) Location: 2086
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Sat Feb 25, 2012 11:08 pm |
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by locky1 » Sun Feb 26, 2012 10:10 am
I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and an IV in each arm. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid biatch...why else would I buy dog food??
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locky1
Ned Flanders
Joined: Sun Aug 19, 2001 1:35 am Posts: 2080 Karma: 8.51 (177 thanks)
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Sun Feb 26, 2012 10:10 am |
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by narly » Sun Mar 04, 2012 8:06 pm
Things to do in the bathroom stall...
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
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narly
Troy McLure
Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2004 7:56 pm Posts: 40523 Karma: 493.47 (199969 thanks) Location: Radelaide
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Sun Mar 04, 2012 8:06 pm |
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