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Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the
Three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a
detective, you have
To be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as
distinguishing
Features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew
It after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any
distinguishing features
About this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in
This picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
Face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,"What about you? Notice
Anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear
What I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of
course you can
Only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her
Face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you
notice anything distinguishing or
Unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The
detective frowned,
Took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers
in the
Folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world
Could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only
One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,

'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers,
'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,

'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

^ lol! I like your sense of humour, Locky, the last few jokes you've posted all gave me a good chuckle.
Thanks for cheering my day.

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room, and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible as well.





No wait... Sorry...



I'm thinking of whiskey.



It's whiskey that does all that shit.


Never mind.

My pleasure HBB, glad you get a laugh out of them

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "This robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a movie called “Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"



The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

It is 4 am on New Years morning and a drunk leaves the pub and walks to his car. He cannot put his keys in the lock and decides to walk off his drunkenness. Whilst stagging home a Police car pulls up beside him and the police officer asks him "Excuse me sir what are you doing out here at four in the morning?" "I am going to a lecture. The Drunk replied. "Now who is going to give you a lecture at this hour on new years morning? The police officer asked sarcastically. "My Wife" replies the drunk.

ROFL. Thanks Humphrey. Haven't laughed that hard in a while.

3 men at a BBQ discussing Pubs
Man from Glenelg says his pub at the Bay is the best, he can buy a carton and get a free stubby on top
Man from Norwood says that his pub is better as after 5 beers you get a sixth one for free
Man from Elizabeth cant believe all the fuss and says
"' Lads theres a pub in Elizabeth that beats your pubs hands down. As soon as you enter the pub they will buy you drink after drink until your absolutely smashed. When youve had enough to drink they take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and its all on the house !""
The other 2 men refused to believe the claim, one asked
"" Mate has this actually happened to you?""
"" Nah not myself personally, but it did happen to my sister.""