AusCelebs Forums

Bruce, an Australian who was working on contract for 3 months in Dublin was drinking in O’Donoghue’s pub in Merrion Row when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but Bruce just shrugs, "That's about average in Oz. Like I said my boy is a typical Australian baby boy.

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later Bruce returns to the bar.

Greg, the bartender says "You're the father of that typical Australian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers '17 pounds"

Greg is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.

Bruce takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says .............. "Had him circumcised mate".

SINGLE vs. ENGAGED vs. MARRIED



Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end
of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat..
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was
a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused
that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"



The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my
fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"





The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I
made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch
stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home
from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey,
Batman, what's for dinner?

:D

various

A young blonde woman in Sydney called Suzanne was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when
a handsome young sailor named Jim saw her tottering on the edge of the
Bridge crying.


He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off
to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."


Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep
you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to lose?"
Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.


That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.


From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain."What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with Jim, one of your sailors, who's stowed me away"
She explained "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."


''He certainly is," the captain said.

"This is the Manly Ferry. "

Funny Danish ad ( fake boob alert)

http://www.m2film.dk/fleggaard/trailer2.swf

Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'


Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'


Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'

Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change
your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'