Joke Thread & Funny Pics-N-Stuff
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 by Macc » Wed Jan 20, 2010 6:11 pm
Google Street View of the BBC White City Television Centre. Check it out for yourself: http://bit.ly/67pibs
M 935x721 154
S 935x714 172
S 936x720 220
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Macc
Milhouse Van Houten
Joined: Mon Nov 29, 2004 5:28 pm
Posts: 1635 Karma: 44.40 (726 thanks)
Location: A small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse
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| Wed Jan 20, 2010 6:11 pm |
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by atefooterz » Wed Jan 20, 2010 11:51 pm
Women Are Evil ! Quote:
> > A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
> > alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
> >
> > She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer
> > to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. 'Are you
> > the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
> >
> >
> > 'Actually, no,' he replied.
> >
> >
> > Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said,
> > running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
> >
> > 'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything
> > I can do?'
> >
> >
> > 'Yes, I need for you to give him a message,' she continued,
> > running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly
> > popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth & allowing him to suck
> >
> > them gently.
> >
> >
> > 'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
> >
> >
> > 'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap,
> > or paper towels in the ladies room.'
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atefooterz
Santa's Little Helper
Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2003 2:34 pm
Posts: 14025 Karma: 191.79 (26898 thanks)
Location: #nowhereman
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| Wed Jan 20, 2010 11:51 pm |
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by offwork » Sat Jan 23, 2010 12:45 am
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offwork
Ned Flanders
Joined: Thu Aug 03, 2006 11:46 pm
Posts: 2062 Karma: 302.57 (6239 thanks)
Location: Brisbane
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| Sat Jan 23, 2010 12:45 am |
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by atefooterz » Sun Jan 24, 2010 4:07 pm
http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.htmlFunny Adelaide dude who loves stirring & blogging   Quote: From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, Davi Continued & much more via the link
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atefooterz
Santa's Little Helper
Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2003 2:34 pm
Posts: 14025 Karma: 191.79 (26898 thanks)
Location: #nowhereman
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| Sun Jan 24, 2010 4:07 pm |
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by atefooterz » Mon Jan 25, 2010 2:08 pm
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atefooterz
Santa's Little Helper
Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2003 2:34 pm
Posts: 14025 Karma: 191.79 (26898 thanks)
Location: #nowhereman
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| Mon Jan 25, 2010 2:08 pm |
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by atefooterz » Tue Jan 26, 2010 12:26 pm
Quote: A Blonde's Year in Review...
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
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atefooterz
Santa's Little Helper
Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2003 2:34 pm
Posts: 14025 Karma: 191.79 (26898 thanks)
Location: #nowhereman
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| Tue Jan 26, 2010 12:26 pm |
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by offwork » Sat Jan 30, 2010 6:05 pm
Two Native American Indians were walking through the desert. One suddenly stops and puts his ear to the ground.
He stands up, looks off into the distance and says "buffalos come."
The second says "How do you know?" The first replies "face sticky!"...
A wee Irish boy is sat crying by the side of the road. A lady eventually wanders by and asks, "What's wrong, son?"
The boy says," Me Mama just died." "Oh bejaysus," says the kindly lady, "Do you want me to fetch Father O'Reilly?"
The wee boy quickly replies, "No thanks, missus. Sex is the last ting on moi mind roight now...
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offwork
Ned Flanders
Joined: Thu Aug 03, 2006 11:46 pm
Posts: 2062 Karma: 302.57 (6239 thanks)
Location: Brisbane
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| Sat Jan 30, 2010 6:05 pm |
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by locky1 » Wed Feb 10, 2010 1:01 pm
The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage
At St. Peters Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands marriage seminar.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'ma gonna go pick her up'.
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locky1
Ned Flanders
Joined: Sun Aug 19, 2001 1:35 am
Posts: 2080 Karma: 9.47 (197 thanks)
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| Wed Feb 10, 2010 1:01 pm |
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by atefooterz » Wed Feb 10, 2010 6:26 pm
Quote:
> > Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
> > plays golf every Saturday.
> >
> > His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
> > takes him to a local strip club.
> >
> > The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
> >
> > His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
> >
> > 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling team.
> >
> > When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
> > brings over a Budweiser.
> >
> > His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she
> > know that you drink Budweiser?'
> >
> > 'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club.
> >
> > I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
> >
> > A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
> > starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual
> > table dance, big boy?'
> >
> > Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
> >
> > Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
> >
> > Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
> >
> > Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
> > for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
> >
> > She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
> > letter word in the book.
> >
> > The cabby turns around and says,
> >
> > 'Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
> >
> > The funeral for BOB is on Friday
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atefooterz
Santa's Little Helper
Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2003 2:34 pm
Posts: 14025 Karma: 191.79 (26898 thanks)
Location: #nowhereman
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| Wed Feb 10, 2010 6:26 pm |
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by locky1 » Thu Feb 11, 2010 12:58 pm
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
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locky1
Ned Flanders
Joined: Sun Aug 19, 2001 1:35 am
Posts: 2080 Karma: 9.47 (197 thanks)
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| Thu Feb 11, 2010 12:58 pm |
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