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 by Macc » Fri Jan 15, 2010 6:21 pm
How to sing the blues and live the blues lifestyle
If you can't think of anything else, begin with "woke up this morning".
"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you follow up with something nasty: "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."
Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. She got teeth like hound dog and she weigh 500 pounds."
The blues are not about limitless choices.
Blues cars are Chevies, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. You cannot have the blues in an SUV, on a yacht or in business class.
Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Adulthood means old enough to get the chair if you shot a man in Memphis (or Ann Arbor, but Memphis sounds better).
You may generally have the blues south of the Mason-Dixon line, with the exception of any beach in Florida. It is permissible to have the blues in Chicago, St Louis or New York City (although not in Brooklyn or Queens). You cannot have the blues in Santa Monica, Acapulco, St Moritz or any place that don't get rain.
Good places for the blues are the highway, the jailhouse, an empty bed or the bottom of a whiskey glass. You can't have the blues in an office, shopping mall, ashram, art gallery or Harvard.
No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you slept in it.
You have the right to have the blues if your first name is a southern state, you're blind, you shot a man in Memphis, you're older than dirt or you can't be satisfied. You cannot have the blues if you were once blind but now can see, you're deaf, you have a trust fund, you have all your teeth, the man in Memphis lived or your baby didn't leave you.
The blues is not about ethnicity, it's about luck. Will Smith and Barack Obama cannot have the blues. Neither could Tiger Woods until recently.
If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are wine, whiskey, muddy water, beer and black coffee. Blues beverages are not mixed drinks, Perrier, Snapple, Diet Pepsi, frappuccino or Slim Fast.
If it occurs on the road, in a cheap hotel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues death. So is the electric chair, substance abuse or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not the blues to die during liposuction or from tennis elbow.
Some blues names for women are Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie, Lola, Bertha, Stella and Lucille. Some blues names for men are Joe, Leroy, Willie, Little Willie, Big Willie, Jethro and Curtis. People with names like Alexis, Gwenyth, Britney, Pascal, Tristan or Stavros cannot have the blues no matter how many men they shot in Memphis.
Blues Names Starter Kit - Name of Physical Infirmity (Blind, Cripple), First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon is good), Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc).
A blues way to communicate is to dial up the telephone or to "holla". Twitter and iPhones are not blues ways to communicate.
People with the blues eat barbecue, fried chicken, grits, corn bread, beans and their last meal. You cannot have the blues eating venison, caesar salad or sushi.
Good blues instruments are guitar, saxophone, harmonica, string bass, piano and drums. Bad blues instruments include the oboe, french horn and Yamaha DX7.
You got the blues if you have lumbago or a bad back. You don't have the blues if you have a mental disorder ending in "syndrome".
Poker is a blues game. Keno is not.
Blues jobs include musician, working on the railroad and just got fired. Graphic design, IT support and market research are not blues jobs.
You cannot have the blues if you have an MBA or a PhD in astrophysics. Most folks singin' the blues ain't never had much a chance for education. The three R's stand for Railroads, Runnin' and Rehab.
Blues animals include a junkyard dog and a mule. A pedigree Cavalier King Charles Spaniel is not a blues animal.
When finished, end with "Oh yeahhhhhhh!"
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Macc
Milhouse Van Houten
Joined: Mon Nov 29, 2004 5:28 pm
Posts: 1635 Karma: 44.40 (726 thanks)
Location: A small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse
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