AusCelebs Forums

You got to love this guy... This is a story about a recent
Wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and apparently even
Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank
Everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank
His new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes,
He turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this
Guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD

Edit By ate edited in after as some do not use the thing what shows whom dun wot

You mean:

Q: How many models does it take to change a light bulb?

A: First they have to put their name in an on-line Internet poll where people can click & vote for who they'd most like to change the bulb. Then go to a free celebrity site where they have a thread & say how much they love & miss everyone since they last posted (i.e. when they last entered a poll) & provide links telling all the members of the site to vote for them. This is followed by the immediate mandatory visitation to all the other models' threads on the site (who have also put their name down in the poll) & tell them all each & individually that they are the most wonderful light bulb-changer in the whole world & that they taught them everything they know about changing light bulbs & that she hopes they all win & tells everyone on the site how lucky they are to have such beautiful & kind light bulb-changers who're here with us because their kindness, generosity & concern for the environment knows no bounds (then finalising her post by adding a link to their own thread & telling people to click it). The next stage is to upload pictures of themselves from the photo shoot (where the photographer was always the nicest & most talented person in the country) from a publication that sells for about $3 at the local petrol station, featuring her (& the bulb) in a pictorial entitled something to the usual effect of "Sizzling Suzy & Her Pomgolian Bisexual Girlfriend Britney McBoobies Horny Light Bulb Conundrum". Finalising by getting angry at any member on the site who says "Nice bulbs", demand that they he banned from the site & state again that they are doing the site a favour just by being there (& because their kindness, generosity & concern for the environment) & it is they who make this site & that the site could not survive without them. If the desired result is not achieved, the common procedure is to demand that the moderators remove their pictures & their thread & tell everyone over a minimum of six posts that this site sucks (extra attention giving to ensure that there is no implementation of grammar, words over four letters in length spelt correctly or anything else that make make the posts legible & decipherable) & then announce they're leaving & never coming back & hate everyone here (even the ones who voted for them) & keep doing so for about a week or so before leaving. (Until the next light bulb poll which brings them back to the beginning of this whole paragraph.) Answer: Indeterminable I'm afraid...

Gold Skavie. 24 carat gold.

It probably would've been funnier if it was left in the thread I posted it in before Footz(?) or someone else from the funny police special task force moved it. (Probably in case it upset one of the models who need protecting because it is they who make this site.)

And rightly so too! Having a bit of harmless humour & jocularity outside of one of the remaining designated areas? What was I thinking! Good to see that steps are still being taken to keep humourless banter throughout the site down to an absolute minimum. Good Lord, what do people actually think they're here to do? Enjoy themselves???

It was moved as it was not linked to any comment, event or whatever , in relation to the thread.. maybe if you had re jigged it to meld with something Miranda, it may have stayed there BUT as it is a top joke & way deserving of the joke thread rather than a random non original cut & paste critique of a model .. yes it is that time of the month 4 me again ..

I cannot believe that Miranda needs any " protection & if you have seen her in various interviews her Northern Tablelands upbringing around Cockies & cowboys has given her a lot of grounding and a subtle sarcastic way of dealing with whatever is poked her way .. quite joyouys to watch/ listen to actually

OK so if the joke stayed & another 1 or 2 others post similar or what they perceive better jokes about models .. plus the enevitable comments about the jokes = off topic very quickly & so that is the 100% reason it was moved here.

Ah! So it was you! Rather good guess on my part that!

T'was in response to a previous comment that would still be there (if you didn't delete it).

As for the rest appealed; I'm afraid it gave me the same experience as my Aunty Edna's Fijian holiday slides (i.e. I lost all consciousness after the first paragraph). But thanks for finding a cure for my insomnia.

Subject: Grandpa and the Taxation Office




The TAXATION DEPARTMENT decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the Taxation Office. The Taxation Office Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Taxation Department finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me fifty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!

Just some random pics...

^ That last one is Gold, Phuz. :D

If you can't guess, "eier" is german for "eggs" which is equivalent to our use of "nuts".
So, this is egg shampoo! Your eggs will love you for it.