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Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, \clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

*********************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course,
his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

**********************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim... But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.'
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.'
'Oh my dear! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

**************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
'She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'

**************************************************************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either.'

Hello, What an Italian will do for family

An old Italian lived alone. He wanted to plant his annual tomato
garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His
only son, Alfred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Alfredo,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be
over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the
old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Fredo

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to
the old man and left.

Later that same day the old man received a
telegram from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Fredo

A Melbourne senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3
convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the Calder freeway,

he floored it.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the Calder, enjoying
pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror,

he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he

floored it to 110 kph, then 130, then 150 kph.

Suddenly, he thought,

"What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the
police car to catch up with him

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up

to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.
If you can give me a reason why you were speeding

that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looked very
seriously at the policeman, and replied,

"Years ago,my wife ran off with a policeman.

I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.


Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian! So where did this happen?"

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?!?! That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....ringing...)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse ....."

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ! He thought he was going to have a heart attack, he couldn't stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out for Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions....

TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand
in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals
through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

I thought Frosty & Frannybaggins were the only two people 'round these here woods who did that...

Donald Duck goes on a dirty weekend but forgets



his condoms, he calls down to reception, asks for



a pack of three.




Reception asks shall I put them on your bill?

Donald replies "Don't be f******ng stupid



I'll suffocate"....

> Two blonde girls were working for the city public works
> department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow
> behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of
> the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next
> street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl
> digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
>
> An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't
> understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole
> digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are
> putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do
> you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and
> fill it up again?'
>
> The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I
> suppose this probably looks odd because we're normally a
> three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees
> called in sick.'

A man goes into a sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll.
The shop assistant says, 'Male or female?'
The customer says, 'Female.'
The shop assistant asks, 'Black or white?'
The customer replies, 'White.'
The shop assistant asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
The customer replies, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
The shop assistant says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up'

> I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty
> and
> sexy,
>
> so I suggested we meet up.
>
>
> She turned out to be an undercover detective.
>
>
> How cool is that at her age?!
>
>
>
>
>
> I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
>
>
> She said I had to stop masturbating
>
>
> When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
>
>
>
>
>
> I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
>
> mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
>
>
>
>
>
> A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and
>
> thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's
>
> innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an
>
> insect."
>
>
> To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the
>
> ground with a dick like that."
>
>
>
>
>
> I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him
>
> in front of a steam train.
>
>
> He was chuffed to bits.
>
>
>
>
>
> When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the
>
> kids.
>
>
> I took her out with one punch.
>
>
>
>
>
> My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
>
>
> "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
>
>
>
>
>
> A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was
>
> caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
>
>
> Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are
>
> bound to be curious about sex at that age."
>
>
> "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken
>
> her appendix out!"
>
>
>
>
>
> I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a
>
> gravestone. I said "morning."
>
>
> He replied, "No, just having a crap."
>
>
>
>
>
> Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around
>
> in.
>
>
>
>
>
> I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
>
>
> How could anyone stoop so low?
>
>
>
>
>
> I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
>
> fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
>
>
> I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
>
>