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 Joke Thread & Funny Pics-N-Stuff 
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Postby locky1 » Sat Jan 24, 2009 11:42 am


You know you're Australian if....

You know the meaning of 'girt'

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'

You wear ugh boots outside the house

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alway polite

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.


Ned Flanders
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Postby FunRobix » Sat Jan 24, 2009 4:35 pm


locky1 wrote:
When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'


That's f*cking classic :P


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Postby SKaVeN » Sat Jan 24, 2009 5:24 pm


martst wrote:
I don't know what your crapping on about SKaVeN, I got Einstein, which is appropriate he failed maths at school - like me. :)

Pah! Like I'm gonna believe that... :P


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Postby SKaVeN » Sun Jan 25, 2009 9:12 pm


Do the Maths

Note found on the refrigerator one morning:

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please Don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight.



When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:




My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference;


18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime next week.


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Postby UpOver » Sun Jan 25, 2009 9:17 pm


Two brothers go on a camping trip in the mountains together. Once they had found a good spot to camp at, they decided to try something fun. Each brother would go his own way for a week, then return to the good camping spot and tell the other all about what they had seen and done. The two men agree that this is a good idea, and strike off on their own.
A week goes by, and they both return to the campsite. They set up their tents, and begin to tell their stories about what they had done the previous week.

The older brother says, “I walked down a ravine, and followed a small stream that was in the bottom of it. I saw lots of deer and birds. I slept next to a beautiful lake, and at night the sky was so full of stars that I swear that I saw the entire galaxy going by overhead.”

The younger brother says, “That sounds great! As for myself, I walked along a railroad track for a day or so. Eventually, I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks! I untied her, and carried her off the tracks in my arms. Soon, we were making love like crazed animals, in every position imaginable! We did that for the rest of the week, until I had to say farewell, leave her behind, and come back here.”

The older brother is amazed and very jealous of his younger sibling. “I suppose she gave amazing blowjobs too, didn’t she?” he says sourly.

“I’m afraid not, I never found her head.”


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Postby SKaVeN » Sun Jan 25, 2009 9:21 pm


Yes! I heard that joke years ago & forgot all about it! Thanks, Upsy-Daisy! :wink:


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Postby UpOver » Sun Jan 25, 2009 9:25 pm


It may have been posted here before, a long time ago. :)


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Postby SKaVeN » Sun Jan 25, 2009 9:56 pm


Nah, I meant I heard it about fifteen or so years ago!


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Postby SKaVeN » Mon Jan 26, 2009 12:28 pm


Zenned Out

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.

In fact, just bugger off and leave me alone.



2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.



3. No one is listening until you fart.



4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.



5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.



6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.



7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.



8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.



9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.



10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.



11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.



12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.



13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.



14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement.



15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.



16. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.



17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.



18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.



19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse...
then things just get worse.



20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


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Postby SKaVeN » Sat Jan 31, 2009 1:48 am


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with "What A Wonderful World"?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song "What A Wonderful World"?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: - Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written Books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant : I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about Pensioners: "Last Of The..."?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? [USED TO BE!!!!!]
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . ...
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona ..
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a Famous painting by Leonardo DA Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER…ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er, Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . .
Contestant: Walked?

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Jo hnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging Character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus


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