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Turpentine VS Holy Water

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.”

A Game of Golf

A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round
of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking
about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf
team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you
next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say
'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be
okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this
may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They
rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be
there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the
guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and
invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at
6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she
played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat
them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They
were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look
bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't
seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but
each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was
15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady
lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play,
they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This
woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers,
and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if
you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch
back and forth. When I got married in college, I discovered my husband
always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit.
Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the
covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed
right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical.. Astonished at this
bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's
pointing straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Fucking hell, Bluey! Is that a joke or have you taken up writing novels? I only made it as far as the third paragraph, someone else'll have to tell me what happened at the end...

Skavie, you need more sleep. What are you doing up at 2 am on a school night??

Studying for a biology examination.

Fair enuff. Theory or prac?

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am tryingto establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had? just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now I ask you,what would you have said?
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A little known fact...

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first
helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Need I say anymore?
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Apoligises to our "paragraph challenged" members; not mentioning anyone in particular <cough> <cough> Skaven <cough>

Neither. Show & Tell.