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Postby SKaVeN » Mon Mar 05, 2012 1:18 pm


I was a bit perplexed by the first couple & then realised they meant TOILET (I thought they meant a shower). Damn Americans & their pigeon English! :wink:


Ned Flanders
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Mon Mar 05, 2012 1:18 pm
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Postby locky1 » Wed Apr 11, 2012 5:51 pm


A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented. They were married and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray!!!


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Postby Macc » Mon May 21, 2012 6:13 pm


This explains social networks!

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Milhouse Van Houten
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Postby Macc » Wed Jul 11, 2012 7:15 pm


This is what's wrong with the music industry today.


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Postby locky1 » Wed Aug 01, 2012 3:04 pm


The wife left a note on the fridge.... "It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums!!


"I opened the fridge, the light came on & the beer was cold...


God knows what she was on about!!


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Postby SKaVeN » Thu Aug 02, 2012 1:56 pm


Image


Ned Flanders
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Postby locky1 » Sat Aug 18, 2012 6:25 pm


Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
Mick says 'How you doin?'
Paddy says 'Do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed ..
He says 'Your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you'.
They say 'Get away with ya.. prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back 'Of course both of em, what's the point of f***** one?’


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Postby locky1 » Thu Aug 30, 2012 8:29 pm


ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---





A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.



The case came up in court.



The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.



The man replied,



'Well your Honour, it was like this:



When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.



She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned



Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.



Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.



But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'



'CASE DISMISSED!!'


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Postby Macc » Thu Nov 01, 2012 7:37 pm


Since the announcement that Disney had bought Lucasfilm and would release Star Wars VII in 2015, a lot of "promo" material has been doing the rounds.

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Postby offwork » Tue Dec 25, 2012 11:20 pm


The police get a call from a house reporting people were damaging cars outside in the road.
A car was sent and the officer found a group of youths causing mayhem with one of them dancing on the roof of a car.
He radioed for backup, saying "There's a darkie dancing on a Volkswagen".
"You can't say that over the radio!" replies the operator "You have to use the correct terminology" "Okay..." he says "Zulu... Tango... Golf..."
...


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