AusCelebs Forums

There are three moms. .

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.

They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"

They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.

Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little mathS test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

The Irishman is now CEO of Qantas.

Our society is doomed!

Who needs excuses

SMART ARSE ANSWER 5
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.



SMART ARSE ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."




SMART ARSE ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ARSE ANSWER 2
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"



SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at a West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

Only in Queensland (Townsville to be specific).

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife: 'Quick, bring me a beer before it starts...' She looked a little puzzled but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said 'Quick, bring me another beer. it's gonna start.' This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said 'Quick get me another beer before it starts.'

'That's it!!!" She blows her top 'You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??'

The husband sighed and said, 'Oh Shit, it's started.

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes:

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these

blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she

decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to

paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her

Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of

paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the

floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy

parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks

her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she

replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are

dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting in the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She

replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it

said...

(You'll love this...)

(I know you will...)

.

.

.

.













.

“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”

Australia!!
You believe that stubbies can either be drunk or worn.
You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'. You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'.
You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.
You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
You believe that cooked down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread - you've squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
Beetroot with your Hamburger... of course!
You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' And 'Living next door to Alice'.
You wear ugg boots outside the house.
You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off for a pittance.
You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite.
You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
*YOU KNOW IT'S NOT SUMMER UNTIL THE STEERING WHEEL IS TOO HOT TO HANDLE AND A SEAT BELT BUCKLE BECOMES A PRETTY GOOD BRANDING IRON.... (this was us - today!)
Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac Cookies'.
You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.
When working in a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in "o": arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc...
You know that there is a universal place called 'woop woop' located in the middle of nowhere, no matter where you actually are!
You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like piss.
You sleep with Aeroguard on in the summer and don't mind it as a perfume.
You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, sweet, to mean "good" and when you place 'bloody' in front of it when you really mean it.
You know that the barbecue is a political arena.
You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
You understand what no wucking furries means.
You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
You own a Bond's chesty - in several different colors.
You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok!

In my case at least 90% of that is actually spot on!