AusCelebs Forums

Doctors say that the best way to avoid Swine Flu is to stop shaking hands.

Michael J Fox must be shitting himself.
...

A funny tale i came accross whilst trawling a football messageboard (newcastle uniteds)..VERY crude but Very Funny

Threesome

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the daylights out of the lot of ya’s!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while
a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if
I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You
didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the
football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee
through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to
really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not
make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the
knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab
hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by
the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Jacko...

Michael Jackson died while trying to play the guitar. Apparently he had a heart attack after his G string snapped while trying to finger A minor.

Since Michael Jackson was 99% plastic, he will be melted down and moulded into Lego so that children can play with him for a change...

McDonalds has announced "the McJackson". It's a 50 year old piece of meat between 6 year old buns.

I'm going to see a new group next month – the Jackson 4.

Michael Jackson had so much plastic surgery they are moving his corpse straight into Madame Tussauds – no need for a waxwork.

After the autopsy they stitched Michael Jackson up with a glue gun.

Jacko died of a heart attack this morning shocked when he discovered that Boyz II Men was a band, not a delivery service.

Bad timing with the Jacko death - he was due on a family vacation in Florida next week... he was going to Tampa with the kids.

It seems Michael Jackson didn't die of a heart attack at home. He was in the children's ward, having a stroke.

Due to Michael Jackson's unexpected demise, all of his dates in London have had to be cancelled. Starting with James, aged 10, Peter aged 9...

Michael Jackson's three kids are being taken over by the NSPCC. However, Madonna has already said she would take Bubbles to add to their growing collection of monkeys!

MJ is not going to be buried or cremated but recycled into plastic shopping bags so that he can remain white, plastic and dangerous for kids to play with.

MJ has just been refused entry into Heaven...
Don't blame it on the sunshine,
Don't blame it on the moonlight,
Don't blame it on the good times,
Blame it on the buggery.

An autopsy has revealed that Jacko's death was drug related. Medical experts are warning of the dangers of using 7 to 10 year old crack!

Confirmation has been received that Michael Jackson died today. Sources close to the Jackson family say the cause of death was a heart attack brought on by food poisoning. Apparently he ate some 12 year old nuts.

The world mourns the loss today of two great white women, Farrah and Michael.

Michael Jackson wanted to be cremated, and his ashes to be placed in a box of rice bubbles - just so he could experience coming out of a kids arse again.

They are going to bury Michael in South Australia - they get a 5 cent refund for recyclable plastics.

He didn't die of a heart attack. He drowned in the Hudson River. His body was found bobbing under a buoy.

Farrah Fawcett went into a coma. God appeared and said to her "Farrah, you have given so much pleasure to so many people, what would you like as your final wish?" Farrah said "I would like all the children around the world to be happy and safe". So God killed Michael Jackson.

Police have ruled out foul play in the death of Jacko, he simply tripped over a pram in his flat. Police are blaming it on the buggy.

Jacko's ghost has been sighted in a children's hospital, looks like he will continue to try to put the willies up small children.

Michael Jackson is dead. Hospital staff don't know what to do with the body as plastic recycle night is not until next Tuesday.

In a recent interview, Michael Jackson said he wants to have 10 children. He also said he wants to be a father again.

...

PURE BLOODY GOLD!

"POOF", THE LIGHT GOES OFF


An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'


George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'


'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine!


But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.

Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'


'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's been piddling in the fridge again'

TRUE LOVE



An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.



He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife

with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc..

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly,

they were still very much in love.



While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said:

"I think it's wonderful that, after all these years,

you still call your wife those loving pet names."



The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said.

"Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago,

and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."

Golf Panties....

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her
ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' she
answered.

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of
decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'


Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick
reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20.
Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o
decency, here's a comb..... tidy yerself up a bit!

...