AusCelebs Forums

Oh god no Frangers a conservative

I'm glad to see you're spending your "me" time so constructively Skaven.


What can I say? Once you've had black, you never go back.

Or once you've had black, don't turn your back in the case of my good friend Colon (he's shortened his name from "Purple-Headed Colon Raider" to just plain "Colon" for army/political reasons). Something like that anyway, I forget exactly how it goes.

It was some wild times. Let's just say there was a lot of "free trade agreement" goin' on.



The only thing I conserve zed is a special love in my heart for a very special lady. I see the Serena William's body sculpting video is working a treat for her.


Bending over, smiling and taking it in the ring hole from the US has worked so well for Howard for so many years, its just part of the rich millieu of the Australian geo-political landscape.

You may accuse me of just copying our fearless leader, but take this as a solemn promise; I will, and I swear this to you in blood, ever, and I mean ever, kiss Janette.


Melanie is however still fair game.

Dear Valued Constituent (insert writer's name and delete: Mr. SKaVeN),



Thank you so much for your recent correspondance.

Your subscription to the monthly Frangerswatchtower: the journal of Franger_Mat, 1980s watches and typographical errors of the word "war" has been updated as per your request. The latest issue, entitled "What can we learn from Adolf Hitler; his mistakes and his triumphs" is on its way to you. Thank you for reading and for the published letters from you. Its really helpful to other readers to read and learn what they should be thinking.


As you may know, whacky so-called political parties (with one policy: to cause trouble for decent folk, so how is that a party?) like the Greens will do anything to discredit decent, upstanding good folk like myself and yourself. It is unfortunate we live in a very loose interpretation of a liberal-democracy. Otherwise we would be able to permanently outlaw the Greens, and make any current and former members wear green stars on their arms at all times. We could also put them into sanitarium camps were they get to work and enjoy the sunshine, I fear the shock of any of them actually having to do any work for at least once in their lives might be too much for the poor misguided dears, and would be too cruel. So perhaps we can just lock them up and not make them work out of compassion.

Which is what I'm all about as you know. Compassionate conservatism.


Regarding the scandolous lies propogated by communist and anarchist news outlets such as SBS and the ABC, as you know, it is all part of a conspiracy to keep good folk like myself out of office, and promote sinners and sodomites to positions of power whereby they can sew and reap the Devil's will.

We must not let this happen. Otherwise we will have homosexuals, communists and anarchists roaming the streets in packs stealing our children for Devil worshipping ceremonies. No one will be safe.

Ms. Rice, Mr. Powell and myself remain great friends, despite this constant adversity. I greatly appreciate your support and strength in this time of merciless and viscious political and personal attacks upon myself.

As you have stated, the meeting between Ms. Rice, Mr. Powell, myself, and a number of street walkers from St. Kilda who were simply walking the streets spreading the Good Word, was totally innocent. Many great things came out of this meeting.

It is really wonderful in these times of sinning and lack of wholesome values, to receive the support of so many law-abiding and decent citizens.


Regarding your Mother and my Mother, Mother says I am not allowed to correspond directly with other women. Mother will be writing directly to your Mother to see if they can arrange a time for us to meet so I can express my gratitude for your support, and see if there is anything I can do for you.

Great politicians (I am merely a man trying to make the world better for most of us) never forget the people who got them where they are.


I must say bare-chestedness of any kind must only be allowed in the dark by oneself in the shower, otherwise only in the dark in the missionary position between a loving (or not loving, but must be married, to each other) heterosexual couple only for the direct purposes of procreation. Heterosexual intercourse contains no pleasure, and must only be used for the purposes of insemination, and we must always remember that.

Therefore, and as a gesture of gratitude, I have purchased you some lovely lace up polished plain black shoes, a lovely white shirt, and a brown with (you must admit) outrageous pea soup dots. The tie is a little far out, but sometimes you just have to cut loose.


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Keep fighting the good and righteous fight. I look forward to constantly polling you and many others over the course of the coming election build-up.


Yours sincerely,


Franger_Mat

Dear Hon Mr Frankston_Matthew,

I have just received your monthly newsletter today & was compelled to express me extreme appreciation. You truly have embrace the all the wondrous qualities of conservatism & Christian values.

I also wish to thank you for the two free vinyl records that I was both surprised & delighted to find enclosed "Tunes for the Heart by Mr Max Bygraves & "Melodies for a Rainy Afternoon" by Mr Engelbert Humperdinck. What faultless taste you have.

Were all your subscribers given these free superb gifts? Your party truly understands the meaning of kindness & benevolence.

There was, I'm sorry to report, one unfortunate incident when a rather uncouth blue collar fellow who was visiting another home on the avenue called on my front door (despite the fact that that I have a sign up saying for the working class to call by the back tradesmen's door). He walked right across my ergonomically feng shui croquet setting with is boots drinking beer from a bottle would you have it! In front of all the neighbours! He asked me if he could retrieve something called a "foot ball" I believe he called it. It was 3'o'clock in the afternoon & he didn't even pay me the respect of wearing a tie before he came calling by!

Anyway, this rather uncouth chap had the audacity to smirk when he heard the wonderful dulcet cadences of Mr Bygraves & Mr Engelbert. Is there some reason as to why the lower classes would find such talented & wholesome performers amusing? Can you please explain this occurrence to me? I know that you have wisdom & knowledge that the other Prime Ministerial candidates fall far short of.

I have also taken your advice about doing my part to help the foreign immigration & employment issues &, as your newsletter advised, I know have several young Asian ladies performing domestic chores in my home. Are you certain that the joy of having employment in our country is reward enough & there is therefore no need to pay them any wages, salary or any remuneration because that would insult them. When I explained that to them I noticed what I thought may have been a slight look of disappointment in their faces but wasn't sure if that wasn't just me misunderstanding the inner machinations of a foreign culture.

I have also taken your sage advice on the matter of our climate in that, although it is somewhat cooler than their homeland, they will adjust because they are so happy to be among us. And for that reason clothing is not required & even inadvisable. The beige lingerie two-piece uniforms provided by your party are more than adequate if the winter weather is to be particularly inclement.

I also take your advice to ensure that they remain in the attic when Mother visits. Can you please explain to me why it is necessary for me to do this?

Your loyal constituent & part supporter,

SKaVeN

PS: I also wish to thank you for the voucher for the 90% party discount at Susie's. Can you please explain to me what place Susie's is because I know not of any Christian groups in Adelaide by that name. I know you are a fine upstanding man of discerningly good taste so look forward to your elucidation on the matter.

PPS: I hope your good name has been restored since the aftermath of that so-called media penned "love tryst" with Ms Rice & Mr Powell. I don't know why people would fabricate such disgusting lies or want to tarnish your good name.

Dear Hon Mr Frankston_Matthew,

I have just received your monthly newsletter today & was compelled to express me extreme excitement appreciation over each & every page. You truly have embraced & epitomise all the wondrous qualities of Tory conservatism & Christian values.

I also wish to thank you for the two free exquisite vinyl records that I was both surprised & delighted to find enclosed:- "Tunes from My Heart” by Mr Max Bygraves & "Melodies for a Rainy Afternoon" by Mr Engelbert Humperdinck. What faultless taste in fine music you have, Mr Mat.

Were all your subscribers given these free superb gifts? Your party truly understands the meaning of kindness, benevolence & culture.

There was, I'm sorry to report, one unfortunate incident when a rather uncouth blue collar fellow, who was visiting another home on the avenue, called on my front door (despite the fact that that I have a sign up saying for the working class to call by the back tradesmen's door). He walked right across my ergonomically feng shui croquet setting with his boots drinking beer – straight from a bottle would you have it! In front of all the neighbours as well! He asked me if he could retrieve something called a "foot ball" I believe he called it. It was 3'o'clock in the afternoon & he didn't even pay me the respect of wearing a tie before he came calling by! I truly am shocked by the whole experience.

Anyway, this rather uncouth chap had the audacity to smirk when he heard the wonderful dulcet cadences & intonations of Mr Bygraves & Mr Engelbert. Is there some reason as to why the lower classes would find such talented & wholesome performers amusing? Can you please explain this occurrence to me? I know that you have wisdom & knowledge that the other Prime Ministerial candidates fall far short of.

I tried my finest to deal with the situation as I felt you would yourself. I refused to return his so-called "foot ball" & telephoned the police & charged him for trespassing. I hope his upcoming court appearance is a lesson to him & all others of his class who may presume to stomp their non-genuine leather boots on my beautifully arranged front garden. Perhaps one day he will even thank me for it. I have also increased my home security should anyone else of his class foolishly decide to do the same. I hope this solution is deemed appropriate by your proud & regal party. Can you please explain to me why these all so common people behave in such an undignified & presumptuous manner?

I have also taken your advice about doing my part to help the foreign immigration & unemployment issues. As your informative newsletter advised, I know have several attractive young Asian & Eastern European ladies performing domestic chores in my home. Are you certain that the joy of having employment in our country is reward enough & there is no need to pay them any wages, salary or any remuneration because that would just insult them? When I explained that to them I noticed what I thought may have been a slight look of disappointment in their faces but wasn't sure if that wasn't just me misunderstanding the inner machinations of those foreign cultures.

I have also taken your sage advice on the matter of our climate in that, although (for most of them) it is somewhat cooler here than their homeland, they will adjust because they are so happy to be among us. And for that reason clothing is not required & even inadvisable. The beige lingerie two-piece uniforms provided by your party are more than adequate if the winter weather is to be particularly inclement. Is there a reason why they all appear to be rather skimpy & transparent? Is that for their better comfort? You truly are a kind gentleman.

I also take your advice to ensure that they remain in the attic when Mother visits. Can you please explain to me why it is necessary for me to do this?

Your loyal constituent & part supporter,

SKaVeN

PS: I also wish to thank you for the voucher for the 90% Beige Party discount at “Susie's”. Can you please explain to me what place this Susie's is because I know not of any Christian groups in Adelaide by that name. I know you are a fine upstanding man of discerningly good taste so look forward to your elucidation on the matter.

PPS: I hope your good name has been restored since the aftermath of that so-called media penned "love tryst" with Ms Rice & Mr Powell. I don't know why people would fabricate such disgusting lies or want to tarnish your good name.

The Polls say it all , libs are in decline & the way forwards to a Franger Mat Newlands is fast approaching

And the long awaited era of the Frankston_Matthew Beige Government will be here at last!

I just hope he answers my queries in my last post. I need his sage advice...

bet ya the beige becomes blue,once he is elected

Dear Mr. SKaVeN,


Thank you for your kind words. And thank you so much for writing. Again. And calling my office several times a day asking Mother when I will reply to your latest letter. We have already set aside a spare room for your correspondance, and have plans for a large extension to store it all. All of your communications which are greatly appreciated of course.

You will appreciate of course with the coming election we are very busy at Franger HQ. As a small token of sorrow at my tardiness in response, please enjoy the latest of our gifts only to valued constituents Bert Bacharach Does Speed Metal, which is a fabulous CD.

Nothing says relaxation and sophistication like a French horn playing quarter notes at 200BPM.


Regarding your most unsavoury contact with a person of the common classes. Firstly I have to ask what was he doing at 3pm not at work. With the new IR laws 7 days a week working is a given.

One of the key policy points of my party is law and order. Ruffians like this will no longer be able to get away with such outrageuous and disturbing animalistic behaviour.


In regards to the hired help. I too have hired a number of young South East Asian ladies from local boarding houses. I think there is some sort of cultural misunderstanding. The only words of English they seem to be able to say are "Me love you long time". Clearly they are fine upstanding religious types with so much love for their fellow men (and occaisionally women from what the boarding house owner Mrs Bang Bang told me).

I must say for migrant workers their rates are rather high, however they continually make it known they are willing to do anything. Anything. If only so many Australian dole bludging hippies were so eager to work hard for a decent wage.


Mother's, as you and I both know, both being great lovers of their Mothers, do not take kindly to any girl, no girl is good enough for Mother's little man, hence why as much as it hurts me to be dishonest with Mother, she must never know there are other females in my life. Even when we go shopping together, she insists I go through a checkout with a male operator, as she finds girls who work in supermarkets to be common and unGodly.

She only does it because she loves me. You would be wise to listen to your Mother, just as I listen to my Mother.


I believe the campaign is well on track to success. The fabrications of the past are behind us, and I think sometime soon we will mark step by step upon parliament house, and have a great rally there, where I will outline the grand plan and final solution.


Thankyou so much for your continued and volumous correspondance,

Franger_Mat.