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A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

I was at the ATM today when a little old lady walked up,
handed me her keycard and asked me if i could check her balance

So i pushed her over ...

At least she didn't ask you to help with a deposit, she may have penalised you for an early withdrawal...

mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes???? '

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?'

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time.

Now, let your mother explain that to you....."

> A guy is driving around the back blocks of Myponga and he sees a sign in
> front of a broken down ramshackle farm house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He
> rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
> backyard.
>
> The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
> sitting there.
>
> > 'You talk?' he asks.
>
> > 'Yep,' the Lab replies.
>
> After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
> what's your story?'
> The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
> was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In
> no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
> rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
> eavesdropping.'
>
> 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the
> jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
> younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport
> to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and
> listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch
> of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
> retired.'
>
> The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
> the dog.
> >
> 'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
> >
> 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
> cheap?'
>
> > 'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

A Blonde goes to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy curtains.
She tells the clerk, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.

'The clerk assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
She shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The clerk then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'

'Seventeen inches?' asked the clerk. 'That sounds very small. What room are they for?'

The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room. They are for my new computer monitor.

'The surprised clerk replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!'


The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows.......

5000 men have been asked what they love best about getting a blow job.

4% said they loved the warmth.

5% said they loved the sensation

91% said what they really liked best was the silence.....

The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators.
The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator. The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel.
He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?" "No, sir," replies the newbie. "I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.
"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.
"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
...

just a few

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' , and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs that she could do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50 ?"


The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house ?'


He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it ?"


The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."


Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.


"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.


"Yes", the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."


Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50, and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.


"And by the way" the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".