AusCelebs Forums

Lady golfer returned to the clubhouse in distress. She told a Pro she had been stung by a wasp somewhere between the 1st and 2nd holes. The Pro said "perhaps your stance is too wide"

Confucius Says:

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Man who run in

Front of car get tired.

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Man who run behind

Car get exhausted.

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Man with one

Chopstick go hungry.

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Man who scratch butt

Should not bite fingernails.

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Man who eat many

Prunes get good run for money.

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Baseball is wrong:

Man with four balls cannot walk.

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War does not Determine who is right,

war determine who is Left.

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Wife who put Husband in

doghouse soon find him in

Cathouse..

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Man who fight with

Wife all day get no piece at night.

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It take many nails

To build crib, but one screw to fill it.

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Man who drive like

Hell, bound to get there.

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Man who live in Glass house

should change clothes in

Basement..

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Man who fish in

Other man's well often catch crabs.

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Crowded elevator

Smell different to midget.

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Didn't take long.

if women are good at multitasking why can' t they have a headache as well as sex

I saw a Kiwi drowning the other day and instantly contacted the emergency services.
I hope they find him or it would have been the waste of a stamp!...

Your reply just came in, they said to take your foot off his head.

more to come

Dog for sale


A guy is driving around the back woods of Queensland and he sees a sign
in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'


He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever
sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies...

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told ASIO.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be
eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'


'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

It's the AFL Grand final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.' This is incredible', said the man.


'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand final and not use it?'

The neighbour says 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.'

'Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'

The man shakes his head 'No, they're all at the funeral.'

A man on his way home from work was stuck in traffic which was much worse than usual. Noticing a policeman walking among the stalled cars, he asked "Officer what's the hold up?".

The policeman says "Brendan Fevola is so depressed about his behaviour at the Brownlows that he's stopped his car & is threatening to douse himself in petrol & set himself on fire. He says everyone hates him, his wife is leaving him & taking everything, & he's going to lose his 750K contract at Carlton. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him"

"oh really" the man says, "how much have have you collected so far?"

"So far only 18 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning" responds the policeman!